The last few months have been especially tough for our family...you would think having a baby after a loss would be just the most beautiful thing, and it is, but for me it has also brought with it a lot of unanticipated pain and stress with the fear of losing yet another baby. Then there's also the added stress of transitioning to two kids while living so far away from any family!!
I was not expecting to feel this way after having our sweet baby and at times the anxiety and depression have been all consuming....I wish someone would have told me what baby blues actually were and what they could turn into, that what I was feeling was real and I wasn't an incompetent mother that was going crazy, that I wasn't a lazy mom with no energy or motivation and that all my hopes and dreams of what this time would look like would actually be this...but surprises like this are why we are here. To be stretched and tested, to learn to depend on Christ like never before.
I remember saying to Scott through my tears..."I just can't do this alone!" He replied, "Well good thing you don't have to." Duh the Atonement! It's hard because asking for help makes me feel like a failure and like I can't handle what I should be able to handle but I'm learning to let go and be who He wants me to be. I'm learning we need to be more of a support to those around us, that we really do need each other, to lift and support and love...and that it's okay to ask for help! It's even okay to seek professional help and take medication if you need it.
I know that as we actively come unto Christ we can endure every temptation, heartache and challenge. I know He can heal me. I know I will feel myself again and that I will get better. I know I am not alone in how I feel even though many days I feel so isolated and like no one else quite understands.
Each day is a new experiment in how I will face my fears and challenges. Some days I give in and give up and ask, "Why me? This isn't fair! This isn't fair to my kids or my husband! This stinks!" Falling flat on my face. Other days I am buoyed up by the hand of loving friends and family that have made all the difference in the world, being direct answers to my prayers.
I wouldn't wish this postpartum experience on anyone but I'm glad I have this new perspective and have been able to be vulnerable in reaching out to others, asking for help and making connections that I never thought I would. It has given me so much more empathy and compassion for those struggling with similar battles and an understanding that we all go through silent struggles.
So be gentle, be kind for everyone you meet is going through something really really hard! Facebook and Instagram and Pinterest and blogs are a hard place for people to be sometimes in comparing how we all face life's joys and struggles. I've learned there is no one perfect way to be a mother but a million ways to be a great one!
For some great resources & support visit : http://www.postpartumprogress.com/